Diary

I fear I have been too hateful recently

I will henceforward give in to LOVE

I had a very intersting experience on the U-Bahn today.

A ticket inspector came on at Prinzenstraße, on the U3 to Warschauer Straße. I had just left my keys for the Asbestos Apartment at Potsdamer Straße.

Firstly, the ticket inspector made some semi-loud noices when he boarded, mumbling something about ticket controlling, which is unusual as they usually board only right before the doors close, so no one can escape, and if not at the last second, they board very discreetly, often dressed as civilians. This meant that even if I was a door or two away, I could still hear it was a ticket controller boarding.

Secondly, when he came to my Abteilung, he only checked two of the other people sitting next to me, skipping me. He just didnt check my ticket at all. 

It could have been that he saw I had it ready anyway. If I didn't have one, I wouldn't pull out irgendeinen QR-Code hoping to get away with it. It could very well have been like that.

But I can't help but wonder that maybe, just maybe, this was a silent revolt. Maybe he consciously does a 'poor job' and leaves out a few here and there. Only a few, so his higher-ups don't notice.

Kind of like Oskar Schindler saving the Jews. I was the Jew being saved by the SS-Officer. I was the bohemian, being saved by the Klassenverräter. 

although the last note might seem ironic at first glance, i must insist on its cinsirity. sensirity. cinserity. 

like, i do find it kind of funny, the way i wrote it. just the general thought of this tip is laughable

but laughable doesnt mean untrue

yes, i insist, ich bestehe drauf, i genounily think what i wrote, i stand for it, and i sincerily think people should follow it

the single greatest problem in this world:

people don't hate themselves enough

if, instead of loving yourself, people started hating themselves, then the world would be a much better place

because it is then, through your own self hate, that you start to love and appreciate everything that isnt you

inwards hate

outwards love

that is the way, so say i

the worst advice i have ever been given is to "not care what others think"

no

i refuse

why would i want to live in a lie?

people dont feel anymore

they dont feel

have you noticed it too?

ATTENTION

NEW DAILY SONG TIP

fyfaaaaan va bra låt

naa  naaa naaa naaa

ja klaaaarareeee

för varje dag blir vädret klaaaaarare

å vi klaraaaaare

för varje da blir den saken klaaaaarare

å vi ska begraaaaaavare

det som förtryckte och förslaaaaavade

å vi klaaaaarare

för varje dag blir det lite klaaaarare

naa naaa naaa naaaa

na na na na nana naaa naaa

jeden Vermieter hängen

Daily song tip: Sixteen Tons

i feel ill, it's not very fun actually. i am kind of a hypochondric actually but i wake up each day and feel bad and then i think i might just need a smoke to feel better but then i just feel worse and then i eat and eat and it's not very unhealthy food either but it doesn't help 

and a week ago i had a nightmare thingy with a new apartment i rented and without naming everything that got me fucked up the worst thing was that i renovated the floor and ripped of the old plastic roll thing as a floor and under that there were black tiles which also got ripped up and broken into small pieces, and when i had worked the whole day with those i found out that the black tiles where actually asbestos

so i had inhaled asbestos particles for like 6h crawling among the tiles

maybe thats why i feel bad

Nicole Sabouné makes fantastic music. Kismet is a mindblowingly amazing album. Yet the whole album reeks of doom, hell, apocalyptic black nights, overwhelmingly sad melancholy, asphalt puddles under a starry night, horrible atrocities by human kind, women that are no longer interested in you, Gewissensbisse and razor blades ice skating across your brain wrinkles.

It's very sad that the album is so good, yet leaves one so incredibly sad. It's just sadness written in 9 songs. Just horrible, horrible, sadness.

I fucking hate how sad this album is, because that means I can't listen to it as much as I would like, and I'm afraid if I would listen to it more, with the Berliner winter closing in on my cold 4th floor balcony, I might just one day take a jump down for the music to end rather than to go inside and turn off the music. 

Nicole, can you please for the next album write about unicorns and rainbows - I can't take this anymore

The more I think about it, the more certain I become, that my life will most likely end in suicide.

I am not suicidal, and I hope to die a natural death.

This is however a thought I cannot shake off, and I fear I am correct when assuming this.